Father, forgive me, for I have been sucked into the ridiculous melodrama known as “The Bachelorette.” Every Monday evening, I temporarily suspend my manhood and watch the wonderful, disastrous, emotional train wreck that disguises itself as a “true love” vehicle.

Please hold this for me...

Temporarily revoked…

I’m not proud of it, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I must in some way actually enjoy this stupid show, because every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in…where else can you see this much general douche-baggery? The entire premise of the show is ridiculous, the “contestants” are vapid fame-whores, and based on the outcome of previous seasons, the matchmaking “formula” is nothing short of toxic.

I’d blame my wife, but there are higher powers at work ~ no Monday night football during the Summer, frequent MLB off-days, and a general crapfest available on other channels. So there I am, analyzing a show that I’m embarrassed to admit to watching. But……

I could win it…(if my wife would give me permission.) It’s a pretty easy formula really, and it’s a lot like the job interview process:

  1. Act like you have the job – She likes hang-gliding, you like hang-gliding. I could even pretend to like Kenny Chesney if I had to. When you’re interviewing with the big boss & see she’s got 12 pictures of her cats, you’re a freaking animal lover.
  2. Don’t be a narc – EVERY time a contestant tries to rat on another contestant, it ends poorly for all concerned. (It’s actually hilarious to see men justify being a snitch because they doubt the sincerity or good intentions of another dude, considering it’s a game show to find a wife.) Remember to take the high road in the interview as well; don’t bad-mouth the previous employer or manager, it’s a real bad way to start.
  3. Make a great first impression – Just like that first job interview, dazzle ’em in the beginning. Look at any recruiting chat-board and you’ll see a disturbing number of stories that explain how a candidate eliminated his/herself within the first 2 minutes.
  4. Be sincerely engaged (or at least fake it) – Nothing gets the girl like a good sob story, as long as it doesn’t result in a full blown man-cry. Get a little teary, blink back crocodile tears, apologize for getting “emotional,” then get fitted for your rose for the evening. I’m not suggesting you cry in the interview, but it never hurts to show true passion for your work.
  5. Don’t confuse it with love – This isn’t a courting process, it’s a contest that rewards a winner based on limited data. It’s not personal, and it’s not life-or-death. You miss this girl, there’s another one around the corner. You don’t get this gig, it wasn’t meant to be.

Okay, so maybe I wouldn’t win the show, because really there are no winners. But, give me a few weeks to power cleanse, a spray tan and a lobotomy, and I could get to the Final “Home Visits” episodes.

Then, of course, it gets a bit awkward when I introduce the wife and kids, but talk about riveting TV!….

 

John “Whit” Whitaker is Founder and OH (Original Hardballer) temporarily suspending his own Man Card; HR Hardball™ is a blunt, self-aware, and sometimes snarky perspective of Human Resources.